God Sends Grandparents
Grandparenting in real time
When our daughter was born with Down syndrome, friends weren’t sure how to act. In fact, they weren’t sure they should visit us in the hospital. My mother-in-law, a veteran missionary and pastor’s wife, was also the mother of a child with a disability. That made her a Godsend when it came to grandparenting our daughter.
One vivid memory was the approaching of friends who didn’t want to do the wrong thing and offend us. So, they asked Mom, “Well, do we still do a shower for Joanna.” Mom’s response was quick and rife with humor: “Well, she’s still a baby, isn’t she?”
My own mother had served in special education classrooms for many years. I wondered how this might affect how she received the news that she now had a granddaughter with an intellectual disability. Her warm reception assured me that she saw this as another of life’s challenges, not to be feared. Her response was her customary, “It will be okay; we’ve gone through worse things than this before.”
What about our fathers, the grandfathers? Their warm acceptance put us at ease. We soon realized that we were not among those whose families rejected their children. To the contrary, they gave the necessary special treatment with not too much spoiling!
Although we lived thousands of miles away from our parents, God sent us surrogate grandparents. Annette and Alan Smith were members of our church in Brandon, Florida. While I preached and my wife played the piano, we watched Annette and Alan cuddle with Joanna. One morning after church, Annette came to me and asked me straight up, “Dave, why won’t you let Joanna take communion?” I paused, and finally told her that I wanted to be sure that she believed in Jesus first. Annette quipped, “Well doesn’t she believe in Jesus? I knew that she was right, so I asked Annette whenever we had communion to ask Joanna, “Do you believe in Jesus?” Picture me leading the communion service and my wife playing on the piano as we watched Annette ask Joanna and then give her communion. Alan and Annette were surrogate grandparents for Joanna . . . and surrogate supporting parents for us.
God sends grandparents!
That’s right, Grandparents hold a special place in the plan of God for families as described in the Bible. Our parents, now with the Lord, modeled what we read in Scripture about grandparenting as they supported their children, my wife and me, to raise their grandchildren. What makes a good grandparent like our parents were?
Biblical principles for grandparenting[1]
Have you seen the bumper sticker that says, “We’re spending our children’s inheritance”? Parents committed to Scripture should change that slogan to: “Our children are our inheritance” (see Psalm 127:3 kjv). This applies equally to grandparenting. We receive grandchildren from the Lord as an inheritance, and we give them back to our family, church, and community to fulfill their calling—God’s plan for their lives. In both our receiving and our giving, our children and grandchildren are our inheritance.
Another popular cliché says, “Children don’t come with a user’s manual.” But this is not true for Christians. We have a manual for all of life. Scripture speaks clearly to the roles of parents and grandparents.
What grandparents do should be an outcome of who they are.
By God’s design, they are grandparents. But this is not just a role; it is a relationship. Ideally, the grandparents must be committed to Jesus Christ, first and foremost. This need not mean they must be pastors or other vocational ministry workers. Rather, it means they must be deeply committed to their grandchildren and seek to have a spiritual impact on their hearts and lives. Given that spiritual priority, what are some ways that grandparents can act on these commitments?
1. Start with the basics.
Raise your grandchild “in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Some will object, saying that this is the work of parents alone. But that is the point. Your supportive role as a grandparent of a child with a disability largely entails supporting the work of the parents and encouraging both the parents and your grandchildren in the Lord.
2. Continue what you have begun.
Grandparenting a child with a disability began when you first formed relationships with the child’s parents (your child and his or her spouse) and set the tone for working together. That may have gone well. On the other hand, you may be starting out your grandparenting role with relational deficits.
If you are at odds with your child and his or her spouse, you will find it challenging to be an effective grandparent. God expects believers to take the necessary steps toward reconciliation and healing (Matthew 5:23–24; Romans 12:18). Just as your automobile needs a front-end alignment in order for you to be able to steer it properly, so you may need to focus first on biblical family alignment before your grandparenting role is well received. What better time than now to make these adjustments and corrections?
3. Improve at grandparenting.
Before you attempt to be a good grandparent of a child with a disability, first strive just to be a good grandparent. Individuals who are struggling with being a good grandparent in general will find it more difficult or confusing to grandparent a child with a disability. For this reason, the lessons drawn out in the first chapter will guide you toward becoming a better grandparent.
4. Prepare for the stresses that accompany disability.
Here moms and dads may respond differently. Moms often become so consumed with caring for a child with a disability that they find it more difficult to be a good spouse. Dads find intensive childcare confusing and daunting. Therefore, support both parents.
5. Provide for your children and grandchildren.
Proverbs 13:22 says, “A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children.” Although your family will appreciate any financial gifts you give them, the greatest provision for your grandchildren will not be material wealth, but biblical wealth or instruction. Leaving your grandchild with a godly example to remember is a priceless gift. However, financial help still plays a significant role in making the lives of grandchildren better, particularly grandchildren with disabilities.
6. Bless your grandchildren.
A blessing is a wish in the form of a prayer. For example, Genesis 31:55 says of Laban: “Early the next morning Laban kissed his grandchildren and his daughters and blessed them. Then he left and returned home.” Laban realized he might never see them again. That made this prayer extra special. Imagine praying for your children and grandchildren as they go off to the mission field, not knowing if you will ever see them again. This kind of prayer summons God to bless them based on his covenant-keeping faithfulness.
The following suggestions about how you can be a blessing to your grandchild with a disability may be worth considering:
- » With disability, always put the child first, not the disability. But do so without creating a child-centered family. The disability is what God has allowed; but the child is the inheritance that God has given.
- » Lead your family, friends, and acquaintances in how they should treat your grandchild. If they feel awkward at first, they won’t after getting to know your grandchild.
- » Redirect the sadness of disability toward the joy of heaven. This may be difficult at first. But those who thrive with a child with a disability are those who see God’s glass for their lives as being half-full. The alternative perspective (half-empty) is very harmful, even if no one intends to be gloomy.
In appreciation for God-sent grandparents
In general, the Bible tells us to raise children with disabilities as we would those without them. But it is in matters of the heart that grandparents will be most supportive to their precious grandchildren. For this reason, grandparents must give careful attention to training their grandchild for life with a disability. Not surprisingly, this will largely require a spiritual focus.
It’s Grandparents Day. Take some time to thank God for your grandparents and your parents, the grandparents of your children. And if you too are a blessed with one or more grandchildren, ask God to give you the wisdom and strength be godly grandparents, particularly if your grandchild has a disability. Ask God to send you.
Written By—Dave Deuel
Senior Research Fellow and Policy Advisor, The Christian Institute on Disability
[1] This material was excerpted with modifications from Dave Deuel, Help! My Grandchild Has a Disability (Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 2019), 24-30.
My Grandchild Has a Disability
Our society views disability as a threat, but Dave Deuel shows how grandparenting a child with a disability can be a delight! The author writes from personal experience and, drawing from Scripture, explores how grandparents can be a blessing, providing marital and home support to their adult children and their grandchildren.
