A Quarantined Caregiver: “Click of the Lock”

For the first time in our 28 years of marriage, I am Jess’ primary caregiver…every morning starts with Jess’ care and ends with Jess’ care. We are on week six.

Here is the nighttime routine: I cath Jess, set up his toothbrush, transfer him into bed, undress him, let him lay flat for 15 minutes before rolling him on his side, tucking in three pillows that need to be positioned perfectly to avoid pressure sores and then put in his nighttime indwelling catheter.

Saturday night after this routine was complete, I walked around the house cleaning up a bit, put some things away, and got the coffee ready for the next morning. The last thing I did was make sure all the doors were locked. As I turned the lock on the last door and heard the click of the lock my eyes welled up with tears and I had a full-blown meltdown.

With the clicking sound of that lock came the overwhelming reality of my responsibility of being the protector of our household.

At that moment I wanted someone to protect me, someone to hold me, someone to pick me up and put me in my bed. The responsibility of keeping Jess and me safe from this awful virus at that moment was more than I could handle – I felt isolated and alone.

My job is to keep everything in our household flowing and on track all while working full time. I am asking Jess multiple times throughout the day, “Are You okay – do you need anything before I go on a call!” At that moment in the kitchen after the click of the lock, I wanted someone to say,

“Sib how are you doing – do you need anything?”

I am not sure how I would respond to that question. I fear if I am honest, I will hear some Christian cliché which will probably have truth in it but, right now that is not wanted or needed. I am exhausted, overwhelmed, and fearful! Anger and emotions are right at the surface most of the time…not at anyone but, at the current situation.

But, during this quarantine and isolation, I learned some important and life-giving lessons.

1.   Asking for help for things that you always did for yourself is very difficult.

2.   Accepting and graciously receiving gifts of time, help, meals, and food is a discipline.

3.   Jess and I could not survive without community.

Most important, I have learned that even though I may NOT feel it or even want to accept it – God is my protector! That protection may look different than how I want it to look, but it is there through God’s people surrounding us. God cares deeply for Jess and me, and most important He loves me as I am at this moment…No makeup, angry at times, and full of fear.

Tonight when I hear the click of the lock…it will bring peace – peace knowing that I do have a protector, and it will be a sweet reminder of Christ’s love and power that is sustaining both Jess and me through this crazy upside-down journey. I will still deal with fear and will still probably get angry at times but, in the midst of it I will have peace!

Written By—Sib Charles

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