The Heart of the Caregiver
Subscribe to Joni and Friends Ministry Podcast
Caregiving for a person with exceptional needs—whether it’s a child, spouse, parent, or friend—can be overwhelming. Mary Tutterow, author of The Heart of the Caregiver® study series, joins the podcast to share how peace is possible for caregivers in all circumstances.
Becoming a Caregiver
Mary didn’t expect to become a caregiver. She was a partner in an international marketing firm and a part-time local news anchor when she had her baby.
“A little beautiful, incredible baby—but she was broken,” says Mary.
Mary’s daughter, Mary Addison (nicknamed Hootie), had a severe seizure disorder. She seized hundreds of times a day.
Doctors told Mary that her baby might not live to see her first birthday—and if she did, she would have profound disabilities.
With Hootie’s birth, Mary’s life turned upside down. She came home from the hospital full of grief, expecting her baby to die in her arms at any time. Mary quickly found herself overwhelmed as a caregiver, managing endless daily tasks while shouldering burdens of grief and anxiety.
She reflected: “We didn’t realize that was only a small part of all the emotions and hurdles we were going to face as caregivers.”
Finding Faith as a Caregiver
While she and her family attended church, Mary wasn’t a disciple of Jesus when Hootie was a baby. Mary remembers a turning point in her faith—the first time she had a powerful personal encounter with God.
“I was nursing her one night and just sobbing. As she’s seizing in my arms, tears are running down my face all over her. And I cried out, ‘How did Mary, the mother of Jesus, watch her child suffer and die, like I’m watching my child suffer and die?’
And I heard him speak to my heart for the very first time in my life: ‘Let her suffering be for my glory.’
I raced to the Bible and thought, “Who is this that’s talking to me?”
Mary’s experience hearing God’s voice woke her up to the reality of his presence. She became a Christ-follower and dug into his Word. In Philippians 2:5–8, Mary saw the example Jesus provides:
“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!”
Following the example of Christ, Mary and her husband came to view loving and serving their daughter as a tremendous honor. In the deepest, darkest moments they discovered a sacred holiness, feeling heaven touch earth as they clung to God and depended on his love.
As Mary says:“We had to receive the love of God for ourselves in order to let his love flow through us, to love her, and all the other people in our lives were called to love. It was an absolute breakthrough in surrender and the beauty and freedom of letting go of the screaming lies of this world—and only this sweet little broken child could have done it.”
How can churches care for caregivers?
Caregivers can easily be overlooked in church. Mary says that the most important thing a church can do for caregivers is to recognize them. While it’s easy to know about a person in the hospital with cancer, a person in a wheelchair, or an elderly person whose needs have been made known, it’s not always easy to remember the people carrying the cross for others.
Mary also shared practical tips for caring for caregivers:
- Take communion to caregivers who can’t come to church
- Deliver meals
- Provide respite
- Provide medical equipment or supplies that might be needed
- Help raise money for medical expenses not covered by insurance
Above all, Mary emphasizes that Jesus came for everyone—but he had a special heart for those who went unseen and unnoticed by others. In the church, creating a culture that moves people toward the isolated and hurting ministers to people in a powerful way.
The Heart of the Caregiver
“The more you give, the more you have room to receive,” Mary says.
Over years of caring for her daughter, Mary and her husband have learned to receive God’s love and grace, and give freely in return. Drawing from Scripture and her own experience, Mary began teaching other caregivers to trust the Lord and find an unshakeable foundation in him.
You can find Mary’s teachings in The Heart of the Caregiver, a study series meant to help caregivers in all circumstances. Drawing on Scripture and her personal experience, she points fellow caregivers toward joy, peace, and inner healing through Christ.
If you are a caregiver, Mary wants to help you. Whether you’re caring for a child with a disability, a spouse with Alzheimer’s, or a friend in need, she wants to help you to rest on God and thrive. To begin, she urges you to:
- Release expectations of what life should look like
- Rely on God as your source of identity and purpose
- Let love drive decisions, not fear
- Recognize God’s presence in your life and circumstances
- Choose to live in God’s peace by aligning with his plans and purposes
Relying on God, you can find a peaceful fruitful life in every season of caregiving.
As Mary shares:“Peace truly is possible. And loving and caring for even the most difficult people can become one of the most rewarding things you’ll ever do in your life.”
Alzheimer’s Disease: Help and Hope for Caregivers
When her husband Dave passed away in 2019, God ignited a passion in Susan to help other caregivers. She joins the podcast to share her story and help caregivers find strategies for better living as they support their loved ones with Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia.
