When Church Leadership and Parenthood Collide
Twenty-eight years ago, I got two calls. The first was God calling me into pastoral ministry, and the second was my pastor and mentor calling me to his office. He opened his Bible and asked me to read aloud the passage he’d highlighted. It wasn’t hard to tell which one he meant. Surrounding 1 Timothy 3:1-5 were various colors of highlights, circles, and annotations. It was a well-trod path in this man’s Bible. I read the familiar words.
“Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect.”
1 Timothy 3:1-5
I paused. I noticed that in the margin next to “faithful to his wife” and “manage his own family well” were these troubling words:
“Fail here, fail there.”
There must have been confusion on my face as I tried to reconcile being faithful to my wife and managing my family with his notes about failure in the margin. Catching my gaze, my pastor, with an empathetic smile and the wisdom that comes only from battle scars, looked me straight in the eye and gave me the best advice I’ve ever had in ministry.
“David, there will be times when the people you shepherd will ask more from you than your family can bear. You’ll have to choose between your role as a pastor and your role as a father. Choose wisely.”
It’s said that hindsight is 20/20, and I wish now I had heeded my pastor’s words earlier than I did. As newlyweds, my wife and I had our hearts set on children (someday), but were in no rush. We were neck-deep in seminary, jobs, and the rigors of ministry. Who had time for children? The church we were serving was amid a period of revitalization. Years of poor leadership had left this church in shambles. The people were hurting and spiritually sick, the finances were in disarray, and the very walls of the buildings were crumbling around us. In the midst of this, my wife and I began trying for children. But God had other plans.
After 13 years of marriage, God opened our eyes to the blessing of adoption. For the first time since “I do,” our family grew in size when we adopted our first son. Our church, of course, shared in our joy, but whether they had realized it or not, they had grown accustomed to a pastor who was not encumbered by the responsibilities of children.
Our son, weighing in at 2-pounds, 5-ounces, was born 14 ½-weeks premature and addicted to a multitude of drugs. Raising a child is difficult, but fighting for your child’s life adds a whole new dimension to the stress a new parent feels.
This was the first time my parenthood collided with my pastorate.
I spent 14-weeks pastoring my church from the lobby of the NICU. Choices had to be made; boundaries had to be built. It was the first time that I had to “fail” as a pastor in order to succeed as a father.
2009 saw the entrance of a beautiful baby girl into our family. Yet, our little princess came with challenges of her own. Born addicted to methamphetamine, our vivacious little girl fights every day an often-losing battle against ADHD, executive dysfunction, and oppositional defiant disorder. I won’t sugar coat it; my daughter was a nightmare in the nursery! I learned quickly that not every church nursery volunteer is as sweet as Aunt Bea from Mayberry—even when it’s the pastor’s kid! Again, parenthood and pastoral ministry collided.
Once again, I had to “fail” at being a pastor in order to succeed as a father.
God blessed us with the last of our three children in 2011. Our youngest son became part of our forever family at 9-months old. His drug exposure and early neglect brought initial diagnoses of reactive attachment disorder and PTSD. By age 3, it was clear there was more going on. After much testing, our son was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, failure to thrive, and expressive language delay. Three special needs children meant parenthood and pastoring were doomed to collide… a lot. Many in the churches I’ve pastored have been gracious and understanding, but some have reminded my wife and me of how hard sheep can bite.
Regardless of how God forms your family, parenting and ministry responsibilities will eventually collide.
The demands of marriage, finances, work, extended family, health issues, and parenting are something we all face. Adding disability to the mix often increases that stress exponentially. There have been times my role as pastor and my role as a parent of special needs children have collided with a thunderous crash! The collision of these two worlds has taught me valuable lessons. They aren’t new truths that have come about as a result of my special needs children, but rather, they are truths that have been revealed by real-life circumstances. So dear pastor or ministry leader reading this, please hear that these are true for you too!
A healthy leader is one who…
- Invests time and energy into equipping and releasing the congregation to do ministry. The Body of Christ is made up of many members. You are not gifted in every way, nor are you capable of handling an infinite number of problems! That’s OK. It is not a failure in ministry, but a success, to find yourself delegating certain tasks. Learn when to take off your pastor or leader hat and simply be the man or woman your spouse fell in love with. Learn when to just be the mom or dad your children adore. It’s healthy for you, for your family, and for the people you lead.
- Give your church grace when their expectations exceed your family’s ability to meet them. Odds are, there are things in their life they struggle to balance, too. Allowing the facade of the perfect pastor or leader to fall away can help them learn to better grant themselves and others the grace to be a work in progress.
- Realize that whether you are parenting special needs children or not, your family is your greatest asset in ministry. The joy Jesus has brought and the doors of ministry he’s opened as a result of parenting children with special needs would never have opened without the unique shape of our family.
Pastoring and leading well is hard work. Loving your family is hard work. The dance between home and ministry will not always be smooth. You won’t always be as light on your feet as you think you are. Remember, “Fail here, fail there.” Choose wisely.
Written By—David Smith
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